I feel I've done enough ranting about online yahoos and crazed muthuhs for now, so I'm going to switch gears and make some practical suggestions. Can I refer to myself as a "been there done that" muthuh even though my kid is still in diapers? Sure I can! I've survived the first year, nearly two (as has she), and I have lots of wisdom to impart about the few moments I remember. Here are some must-haves in case you're just starting out and are wondering what to have on hand for the first couple of years:
1. 150 bottles*
2. 175 bottle collars
3. 200 spill-proof bottle caps
4. 3,000 bottle nipples of varying flows
5. 15 cutting boards
6. 7 pizza cutters
7. 22 knives
8. 25 bottle cleaning brushes (these also clean sippy cups)
9. 75 sippy cups
10. 110 sippy cup tops (straw and regular)
11. A 12-pack of beer
12. Bananas
*Baby
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
Falling Pregnant
I've been thinking about the phrase "to fall pregnant" (and associated forms), and I plan to use it more just to mix things up. For me, it evokes the image of a Southern belle sitting on a windowside chaise lounge and fanning herself, waiting for the indignity of having a giant belly to be over so she can go back to afternoon mint juleps on the veranda with friends and acquaintances. I'm just not sure it works for my lifestyle, though. Could I say, "When I fell pregnant..." while eating chicken wings and drinking beer in a sports bar setting, especially if the other [unwitting] person in the conversation is a round middle-aged guy with a goatee who is glued to the football game? Well, I know I could, but I'd feel just a little silly unless I had something to offer regarding his fantasy team.
I like this wording for several reasons. First, it sounds really old-fashioned. It also acknowledges the finite control you have over your own body once a little critter has decided to take up residence and grow there for months on end, kicking off an uncomfortable spiral. It's almost a synonym for "succumb." Like you're giving up for the next 8 or 9 months, submitting your physical being to the arduous task ahead. Tripping clumsily into the pregnancy abyss, but it's only partially a result of your own doing. There are so many euphemisms associated with pregnancy and such an emphasis on the joy and the glow, so I really appreciate an odd phrase that reflects uncertainty and fear.
I did an Internet search to learn the origin of the phrase and ended up stumbling across a message board comprising angry "child-free" people who have a lot of disdain for kids, parents, and policies that benefit kids and parents. These malcontents do have a point, I admit: Kids are everywhere, they're loud, and they make a mess. Plus, a lot of their parents are fucking morons. That said, I have to wonder about someone who spends a big chunk of the day, day after day, ranting on the InterWeb about kids and people who have kids. It's a sort of community where everyone seems to know each other, and there's significant e-backslapping. I too have observed that a lot of parents are insufferable, inconsiderate doofu* who are all about kids and don't want to have a conversation that doesn't involve the subject of kids. I too find these people as tiresome as the child-free forum super-mega-member does (by "these people," I mean the kid video-bomb culprits and people who say "pasketti" instead of "spaghetti" and that sorta shit). I don't think having a kid disqualifies me from taking issue with certain aspects of objectionable parents and their demonic offspring. But I also acknowledge that humankind kinda needs a next generation. For example, I imagine that when I'm elderly, I'd like to be treated by a doctor who isn't also 89. And who's going to empty your bedpan when you're old and infirm, bratfreeandluvvinlife? A trained monkey? And who's gonna train the monkey? Keep in mind that the expression "to go apeshit" came from somewhere. Anyhoo, no one on that site seemed to know the origin of the phrase. (But fuck the child tax credit!) One language site suggested that "falling pregnant" is probably British and may have been intended to absolve the sperm supplier of responsibility or to suggest that the poor woman was acted upon by some force. Other than the obvious force of the guy & his epididymis.
So, the question remains: Is this phrase Victorian or something? Does anyone know? What image does this phrase conjure up in your mind?
Another question: Does anyone use smelling salts recreationally? Would that be a decent substitute for caffeine when you've overslept and need to get going in a hurry?
*doofu is the plural of doofus. My husband came up with it. I don't think he ever took Latin. But I like it.
I like this wording for several reasons. First, it sounds really old-fashioned. It also acknowledges the finite control you have over your own body once a little critter has decided to take up residence and grow there for months on end, kicking off an uncomfortable spiral. It's almost a synonym for "succumb." Like you're giving up for the next 8 or 9 months, submitting your physical being to the arduous task ahead. Tripping clumsily into the pregnancy abyss, but it's only partially a result of your own doing. There are so many euphemisms associated with pregnancy and such an emphasis on the joy and the glow, so I really appreciate an odd phrase that reflects uncertainty and fear.
I did an Internet search to learn the origin of the phrase and ended up stumbling across a message board comprising angry "child-free" people who have a lot of disdain for kids, parents, and policies that benefit kids and parents. These malcontents do have a point, I admit: Kids are everywhere, they're loud, and they make a mess. Plus, a lot of their parents are fucking morons. That said, I have to wonder about someone who spends a big chunk of the day, day after day, ranting on the InterWeb about kids and people who have kids. It's a sort of community where everyone seems to know each other, and there's significant e-backslapping. I too have observed that a lot of parents are insufferable, inconsiderate doofu* who are all about kids and don't want to have a conversation that doesn't involve the subject of kids. I too find these people as tiresome as the child-free forum super-mega-member does (by "these people," I mean the kid video-bomb culprits and people who say "pasketti" instead of "spaghetti" and that sorta shit). I don't think having a kid disqualifies me from taking issue with certain aspects of objectionable parents and their demonic offspring. But I also acknowledge that humankind kinda needs a next generation. For example, I imagine that when I'm elderly, I'd like to be treated by a doctor who isn't also 89. And who's going to empty your bedpan when you're old and infirm, bratfreeandluvvinlife? A trained monkey? And who's gonna train the monkey? Keep in mind that the expression "to go apeshit" came from somewhere. Anyhoo, no one on that site seemed to know the origin of the phrase. (But fuck the child tax credit!) One language site suggested that "falling pregnant" is probably British and may have been intended to absolve the sperm supplier of responsibility or to suggest that the poor woman was acted upon by some force. Other than the obvious force of the guy & his epididymis.
So, the question remains: Is this phrase Victorian or something? Does anyone know? What image does this phrase conjure up in your mind?
Another question: Does anyone use smelling salts recreationally? Would that be a decent substitute for caffeine when you've overslept and need to get going in a hurry?
*doofu is the plural of doofus. My husband came up with it. I don't think he ever took Latin. But I like it.
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