My Pledge to You

Greetings, dear reader(s)! It's been a good few months since my inaugural post, and with good reason: being a groovy mother takes up a lot of time. I read over my February screed and am amazed that I managed to write all that while caring for a four-month-old. I suppose I should come clean: I'm lazy and have low expectations of myself. I meant to start a blog much earlier. I considered chronicling the pregnancy and uploading tedious ultrasound images that look just like every other ultrasound image. I'd erase any identifying information from the top of the image and post it as if anyone would give a shit. "OMG, isn't it beautiful?!" and that sort of thing. But again, laziness. I've more or less given myself a pass on the pregnancy blog because I felt like a pile of pigeon crap for most of it, and I couldn't even pretend to be a groovy pregnant lady. I imagine I would have spent many an entry complaining about adults using, without irony, terms like "preggo" and "preggy," and highlighting the terrifying nutjobs who populate pregnancy and parenthood online forums. Actually, I'll probably still do that, but with a little more judgmental force and a little less whining.

What it seems I didn't have the energy to do in February was whittle down the introductory post to its essentials. I could have just said, "A year ago today, I discovered that I'd conceived. My goodness." The part where I compare myself to Elmer Fudd: I have absolutely no recollection of writing that.

In any case, rest assured that excessive wordiness, at least within a single entry, will not be feature of this blog. That is my solemn promise to all three of you. Even you, KiMmYxxx4u.

Signed, One Groovy Mother, December 9, 2011, Phoenix, Arizona

Welcome to One Groovy Mother

A year ago today, I discovered that I was expecting. It was very early. In fact, it was probably the first day that I could have expected a positive result to show itself on a commercially available pregnancy test. I wouldn't normally check so soon—my historically lengthy and completely unpredictable cycles had led to me to spend a good few bucks on negative pregnancy tests over the years—but I'd had a job interview the day before, and one of my most esteemed references let me know that she'd been contacted.

Believing that an offer was imminent, I wanted to confirm that no humanoid was in the early stages of development. This would ensure that I could accept the job and then go on a bender to celebrate. I dipped one of my el-cheapo medical supply store pregnancy tests into an Arizona shot glass* full of urine and waited for the result. I know the instructions say to wait something like five minutes, but I've always had an accurate result within 20 seconds. Even so, I generally leave the test out and check it a second time an hour or two later. Ah, negative, just as I suspected!

I left the strip on the bathroom counter and went about my business. I read through some e-mails and got the caffeine drip started. I browsed a few shopping sites to see if any of my favorite stuff was on sale: classic Pumas, Metamucil, pens, T-shirts. Suddenly, in a rare moment of photographic memory, I pictured the test after it went to work absorbing my pee. It was like a cartoon: Elmer Fudd, oblivious, walks by Bugs Bunny, who is thinly disguised as a tree, his ears sticking up higher than the highest branches. Elmer keeps walking, just a few steps. He abruptly realizes what he just saw. He jumps up, and little sun-ray spokes appear around his head just before he turns back to chase Bugs, who by now has taken off in the other direction. Did I see a second line? I think I may have. I returned to the bathroom and squinted at the test. Holy shit, that's a second line. A barely visible line, so faint I thought for a moment I was hallucinating. My subconscious brain must have picked it up, leading to the Elmer Fudd moment. I know full well that even an extremely faint line is a positive. Very interesting, this.

To confirm the result, I took out one of my fancy-pants $10 pregnancy tests with the plastic thumb handle, giant absorbent tip, and silly cap. This type doesn't require a shot glass. After the requisite 20 seconds, I see a line even fainter than the one that appeared on El Cheapo.**

Well, I thought, this has been a morning of great discoveries.

* I have excellent aim.

** TIP: Cheap pregnancy tests are just as accurate and perhaps even more sensitive than the expensive ones. To save 90%, risk getting a little pee on your fingers.