A year ago today, I discovered that I was expecting. It was very early. In fact, it was probably the first day that I could have expected a positive result to show itself on a commercially available pregnancy test. I wouldn't normally check so soon—my historically lengthy and completely unpredictable cycles had led to me to spend a good few bucks on negative pregnancy tests over the years—but I'd had a job interview the day before, and one of my most esteemed references let me know that she'd been contacted.
Believing that an offer was imminent, I wanted to confirm that no humanoid was in the early stages of development. This would ensure that I could accept the job and then go on a bender to celebrate. I dipped one of my el-cheapo medical supply store pregnancy tests into an Arizona shot glass* full of urine and waited for the result. I know the instructions say to wait something like five minutes, but I've always had an accurate result within 20 seconds. Even so, I generally leave the test out and check it a second time an hour or two later. Ah, negative, just as I suspected!
I left the strip on the bathroom counter and went about my business. I read through some e-mails and got the caffeine drip started. I browsed a few shopping sites to see if any of my favorite stuff was on sale: classic Pumas, Metamucil, pens, T-shirts. Suddenly, in a rare moment of photographic memory, I pictured the test after it went to work absorbing my pee. It was like a cartoon: Elmer Fudd, oblivious, walks by Bugs Bunny, who is thinly disguised as a tree, his ears sticking up higher than the highest branches. Elmer keeps walking, just a few steps. He abruptly realizes what he just saw. He jumps up, and little sun-ray spokes appear around his head just before he turns back to chase Bugs, who by now has taken off in the other direction. Did I see a second line? I think I may have. I returned to the bathroom and squinted at the test. Holy shit, that's a second line. A barely visible line, so faint I thought for a moment I was hallucinating. My subconscious brain must have picked it up, leading to the Elmer Fudd moment. I know full well that even an extremely faint line is a positive. Very interesting, this.
To confirm the result, I took out one of my fancy-pants $10 pregnancy tests with the plastic thumb handle, giant absorbent tip, and silly cap. This type doesn't require a shot glass. After the requisite 20 seconds, I see a line even fainter than the one that appeared on El Cheapo.**
Well, I thought, this has been a morning of great discoveries.
* I have excellent aim.
** TIP: Cheap pregnancy tests are just as accurate and perhaps even more sensitive than the expensive ones. To save 90%, risk getting a little pee on your fingers.
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