The hot-button issue for
mothers of toddlers on BabyLoony these days isn’t quite what I would have
expected. It’s not extended breastfeeding, discipline, daycare, bottles, vaccinations,
nannies, pacifiers, junk food, or even spanking. It’s whether to rear-face or
front-face a convertible car seat. This topic was introduced a year or so ago,
when the portliest of fall 2010 babies were approaching 20 pounds, the weight
minimum for front-facing in an appropriately designed seat. (CYA alert: The age
minimum to forward-face is one year, even if junior hits 20 pounds at five
months.) I remember the first thread I saw about this, posted by a true
BabyLoony ingenue: “Now that my big boy is 20 pounds, I’m ready to have him face
forward! I can’t wait to be able to see him in the rear-view mirror!” Jesus,
Mary, and Joseph, the replies were cataclysmic. I’ll just say that almost no
one simply said, “Hold your horses, mamabear_cheddarhead. You need to wait
until your big boy is a year old to turn him around.” I suspect that a few
people tried to pinpoint her exact location so they could show up at her door
and slap her around like the hysterical lady in Airplane!
Even now, with our kiddos* nearing
two, the tenor of these discussions, which are a regular occurrence, continues to be shrill in the extreme. For better or for worse, I can't say I've seen any any cum guzzlers emerge from this controversial topic, but it's certainly not too late. Every few days, someone will post, “Am I the only one still
rear-facing my LO?” or “Who’s still rear-facing?” or “Why are people
endangering their children? Just to let you all know, I’m not” or “MOM'S WHO
FORWADR FACE: U NEED TO WATCH THSI VIDEO!!!!!!!!!” I think I’ve seen about 50 polls on
the subject, and approximately 95% of the respondents proudly declare that
they’re still rear-facing, and if you’re forward-facing your kid, you obviously
don’t give a shit about his safety and you may as well set up a meth lab next
to his crib. (“What? Your kid is in a bed already? Are you out of your fucking
mind?!”)
There’s certainly a
self-selection bias among thread participants because surely no one in her
right mind would admit to front-facing her 20-month-old and subject herself to
the holy wrath of mommy_to_three_little_darlings_1987 and her biggest
fan, omg_babiesbabiesbabies7112. One of the worst offenders in all of
BabyLoony claims that her 8-year-old is still rear-facing “and totally loves
it.”
Before I go any further, I
would like to state that I am not a reckless person. I wear seatbelts, lock
doors, and always look at the expiration dates of perishable food items. My insurance agent teases me about my sky-high underinsured motorist and liability coverage
levels. I try to avoid confrontations with unkempt gruff guys with multicolored
beards and t-shirts indicating a deep affinity for firearms. I drive really
slowly around my condo complex, but mainly because I have asshole neighbors who
are convinced that no one else could possibly be coming the other way around a
corner. But I find the strong feelings on the subject of car seat placement,
and the extent to which people get their panties in a wad about it, mystifying.
I don’t know at what point
people became so judgmental about this sort of thing. When I was a kid, and even
into high school, bicycle helmets for adults and kids weren’t that commonly
used, at least in my ‘hood in a Boston suburb. In fact, helmets were considered
dorky. Of course, the bike helmets of yesteryear (i.e., the 80s) were a lot
heavier and more cumbersome than they are now, and the classic Bell bike helmet
looked like a European hard hat from the 70s and was probably twice the weight.
Now they’re sleek and lightweight with cool designs, and you barely notice
you’re wearing one. Anyhoo, I get that people really should wear bike helmets,
especially kids. Their acceptance is a big step forward safety-wise. I also
take issue with those stupid posts you see on Facebook, formerly on various
message boards and in forwarded e-mails: “When I was a kid, we didn't wear bike helmets, we roller-skated without knee and elbow pads, skinned knees meant it was summertime, we didn’t have play
dates, we just played outside with our friends, and we drank from rusty garden
hoses and sewers, we gleefully swam in polluted lakes and rivers, and we were
beaten with belts, which developed character, we said please and thank you and
didn’t tell our CCD teacher to fuck off like today’s kids do, and our school
nurse could give us a Quaalude, SHARE if you remember playing Red Rover and
going home with a spinal injury and blurry vision, and your mom said, ‘Eat your
damn peas!’” I hate that shit. Bike helmets are a good thing! As are seatbelts,
motorcycle helmets, and avoiding smoking in bed (and checking your fire alarm
periodically). But calling someone who positions a convertible seat
front-facing a child abuser? I can’t help but think that some of these extended
rear-facing (that’s a term they use, and with pride) muthuhs are the same giant-SUV-driving
bitches I see “multitasking” on the road. And one of these tasks is drifting in
and out of the HOV lane at 80 mph.
*Notice that I say “our”
like I’m one of these loonies. See? They suck you in, and next thing you know,
you’re one of them, looking for carseats at WalMart.com because you’re too much
of a scaredy-cat to set foot in your local store, and you use terms like LO and
kiddo and DD and DH.
Note: Screen names have been changed to protect the innocent...and idiotic.
Note: Screen names have been changed to protect the innocent...and idiotic.
Wow, we put Elizabeth into the front-facing position when she was ~1 year old. In Canada, the revised standard (out this year, or maybe last?) says that a kid should be rear-facing until they can walk, whatever age that is. That makes sense to me: walking requires good head control, so if a kid can walk, it's probably safe for them to be forward-facing.
ReplyDeleteI found this blog post highly entertaining and informative, despite the fact that I don't have children and therefore don't really understand the gravity of such a topic as forward-facing versus rear-facing. I was, however, deeply disappointed at the lack of vorticellas and Baby Tortellinis in the post.
ReplyDeleteA few things on this oh so hilarious blog. I find it amazing that you were again, able to use "Cum guzzler" with such zest and character. It took all that I had not to spit Frappacino out of my nose. Also, my kids faced forward in their car seats before a year. In fact, since I was a teen mom the oldest HAD to face forward because baby seats for bicycles did not face the other way, and if they did OH THE HUMANITY!
ReplyDelete